That sinking feeling

You know how when you jump into a pool and just let yourself sink to the bottom? How you feel the pressure of all the water on top of you pressing down? And how everything gets darker and colder? What if there was no bottom?

What if you kept sinking and sinking, the weight of the world pressing down on you, the rippling shine of the sun getting smaller and weaker?

What if you decided there's no hope for me, that I'm dead weight without a purpose except to keep sinking pulling down everything with me.

My hopes.

My dreams.

My loves.

My life.

All of it sinking...



Sinking down...




And down...




And down...






Until your gone?

I Am my Own worst Enemy

What happens when you don't let what other people think of you matter? What happens when you decide that you are your own man despite what the world has in store? What happens?

Then you become fully responsible for what you do. Everything you do, think, feel and don't do are your fault. You are the one to blame no matter how you look at it. You are your own person. You steal, it's your fault. You hurt someone, it's your fault. You forget something and then get boned for it, it's your fault. You fall in love with someone, its your fault, your responsibility, your obligation. But what you do afterwards is also your fault to.

You return whats stolen, your fault. You help that person, your fault. You resolve to be responsible, your fault. You decide to love because you WANT to, not because you have to, your fault.

Fault is not something negative, its merely synonymous with responsibility and what you could call, growing up.





A rant by me.

Am I a Vampire?

Disclaimer: Alot of people will think this is bull but I'm just sharing an experience I had. This is mostly my interpretation of the information given to me so forgive me for inconsistancies.

So I was board one day a couple months back and go onto MySpace's forums. Some cool stuff there and about... more than half the people in the sections I post in are intelligent. The Philosophy and Religion forum, usually the general subforum.

Anyway, I was looking around and find someone talking about vampires. I think to myself wtf and open the thread out of curiosity. Turns out someone was looking for other people online that were vampires like her. Not the generalized blood sucking kind by psi-vamps as she and others call them. So I'm reading the thread, its actually kinda old so theres over 50 pages of replys, and see that the thread starter, lets call her Ashley, posted a website describing what a psi-vamp was.

Clicking on the site brought me to this dark, not satanic but certainly not happy-happy-joy-joy and was greeted by a disclaimer saying that this is a real site for a real vampire community yatta yatta. I explored the site a little bit and quickly saw something describing WHAT psi-vamps are. Essentially they are regular people, but not quite. Imagine the human body as a bucket being filled with water and this water is energy or chi as some people call it. Well with these psi-vamps, they are basically leaky buckets. Obviously humans would need this energy right? Well before they "awaken" most psi-vamps are what we would call emo. But more extreeme. Because of this lack of energy they are constantly clinically depressed. But a natural way for them to overcome this lack is to siphon off energy from others.

This is where the connection to vampirism comes from, essentially life-force, not blood, is being taken from normal people so that vampires can survive. While nothing points to the neccecity of feeding as its called, the fact seems that if one doesn't feed, they will unconsiously take too much of other people's energy. The site is somewhat of a helpful guide for new "awakened" vampires, vampires who realize their power.

So I stopped and thought, when am I most happy? I think while with a large group of people (ex. my school marching band or a dance) I have alot of excess energy that I can hardly contain. And when I'm on my own, playing video games online for example, I dont have this same sense of energetic restlessness. So being physically around other people makes me... more energetic basically. Am I then a psi-vamp like this site suggests? (Completely forgot the site btw...)

The music in our lives and in our souls

I was in the car today and put on a CD by Linkn Park. I dont remember the album but there are only 4 songs i consider good on there, the rest were sappy pieces of, well you know what i mean. I started rocking out to them, letting them sink in, hell one of them even had me tearing up a bit because of how true the things it said were. Im man enough to admit that. But the thing is, these songs were really about... hate. Why do i connect with them so much? Why can these kinds of songs lift me out of depression? Is it because i need hate in my life so that i have a purpose?

Im and angry person. There's no way around it. I can be nice and intelligent and kind and all that jazz. Hell i can even play jazz. But when it comes down to it, at my core, everything is influenced, if not motivated, by my deathless anger.

The World Hates... Everyone

No matter what we do, something always goes wrong.

Honesty. You get slapped in the face.
Making an attempt. You still disappoint someone that matters to you.
Trying to protect someone. Your either not good enough, or when you are You are the one that needs to be protected from.
Striving for perfection. Your not there yet.
Putting yourself out there. You get run over.
Trying to talk intelligently with someone. They become suspicious of you and start fighting you, ignoring whether your right or wrong.
Having faith in something. There's always doubts.

Maybe I'm just depressed, but I'm sure everyone in the world has experienced atleast one of these at some time or another. Or will anyway...

A poem

Mantra of Questions



We question your faith
We question your values
We question everything
Because we dont need the likes of you.

The government
The Man
The establishment with the plan
We despise you
Because you try to enslave your fellow man.

Is it so hard
To ask the questions?

Is this real?

Is this true?

How can I believe you?

Because the ones who spread their faith
Are the ones who will betray ours.
The ones who preach love
Turn a blind eye to the Hours.

The Hours of Need.

The Hours of Pain.

The Hours when a man has nothing to gain.

You must believe
Only in yourself.
If you don't
You'll end up like everyone else.

Not Knowing

Not knowing sucks. Its like a knife slowly cutting away at your heart, peeling off the skin of your face in strips, cutting apart your sense of the world into pieces. And then waving it in front of your face like teasing a dog with a piece of food. It turns your world upside down and then kicks it in the face. Not knowing if you will pass the class, not knowing if the one you love is ok, not knowing if tomorrow will be there... when your on the streets you can feel it. When your alone and afraid you can feel it. When something like a hijacked airplane turns into a missile or a boy given a gun and told to be a soldier. When something outside your control happens, whether its behind the scenes or up and in your face, your stomach drops, you break out in a sweat, you get this tingling in your fingers, you notice everything, you Feel everything. Even if a pin drops, your mind registers it, because when you don't know whats happening or what will happen, you want to know EVERYTHING. It's an adrenaline rush. One of those things you live for. To not know... it opens your mind to all the world, letting you take it all in, process it and think. I heard somewhere that the first step to enlightenment is that you know nothing. Or maybe I just made that up, I don't know.

But eventually just the emptiness takes over, it leaves you drained. Tired. Depressed. Like the world is set against you, when it really couldn't care less. In the grand scheme of things, you are really nothing unless you make yourself something. Take Napoleon for example, little short fat guy who turned out to be a genius. Or Marx, crazy Pole with crazy parents and just sat down and thought over the world. Granted he wasn't the first of all those ideas, but without him promoting it we wouldn't have Communism. A bane and a blessing considering how its turned out and how it can be. These men didn't know what was in store for them, and didn't know either what was in store for the world because of them. But they took their chances with not knowing an ran with them.

Not knowing hurts, it kills, but it is part of our humanity. Because when you don't know, you are pushed to think, to do, to be human.