You know how when you jump into a pool and just let yourself sink to the bottom? How you feel the pressure of all the water on top of you pressing down? And how everything gets darker and colder? What if there was no bottom?
What if you kept sinking and sinking, the weight of the world pressing down on you, the rippling shine of the sun getting smaller and weaker?
What if you decided there's no hope for me, that I'm dead weight without a purpose except to keep sinking pulling down everything with me.
My hopes.
My dreams.
My loves.
My life.
All of it sinking...
Sinking down...
And down...
And down...
Until your gone?
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I Am my Own worst Enemy
What happens when you don't let what other people think of you matter? What happens when you decide that you are your own man despite what the world has in store? What happens?
Then you become fully responsible for what you do. Everything you do, think, feel and don't do are your fault. You are the one to blame no matter how you look at it. You are your own person. You steal, it's your fault. You hurt someone, it's your fault. You forget something and then get boned for it, it's your fault. You fall in love with someone, its your fault, your responsibility, your obligation. But what you do afterwards is also your fault to.
You return whats stolen, your fault. You help that person, your fault. You resolve to be responsible, your fault. You decide to love because you WANT to, not because you have to, your fault.
Fault is not something negative, its merely synonymous with responsibility and what you could call, growing up.
A rant by me.
Then you become fully responsible for what you do. Everything you do, think, feel and don't do are your fault. You are the one to blame no matter how you look at it. You are your own person. You steal, it's your fault. You hurt someone, it's your fault. You forget something and then get boned for it, it's your fault. You fall in love with someone, its your fault, your responsibility, your obligation. But what you do afterwards is also your fault to.
You return whats stolen, your fault. You help that person, your fault. You resolve to be responsible, your fault. You decide to love because you WANT to, not because you have to, your fault.
Fault is not something negative, its merely synonymous with responsibility and what you could call, growing up.
A rant by me.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Am I a Vampire?
Disclaimer: Alot of people will think this is bull but I'm just sharing an experience I had. This is mostly my interpretation of the information given to me so forgive me for inconsistancies.
So I was board one day a couple months back and go onto MySpace's forums. Some cool stuff there and about... more than half the people in the sections I post in are intelligent. The Philosophy and Religion forum, usually the general subforum.
Anyway, I was looking around and find someone talking about vampires. I think to myself wtf and open the thread out of curiosity. Turns out someone was looking for other people online that were vampires like her. Not the generalized blood sucking kind by psi-vamps as she and others call them. So I'm reading the thread, its actually kinda old so theres over 50 pages of replys, and see that the thread starter, lets call her Ashley, posted a website describing what a psi-vamp was.
Clicking on the site brought me to this dark, not satanic but certainly not happy-happy-joy-joy and was greeted by a disclaimer saying that this is a real site for a real vampire community yatta yatta. I explored the site a little bit and quickly saw something describing WHAT psi-vamps are. Essentially they are regular people, but not quite. Imagine the human body as a bucket being filled with water and this water is energy or chi as some people call it. Well with these psi-vamps, they are basically leaky buckets. Obviously humans would need this energy right? Well before they "awaken" most psi-vamps are what we would call emo. But more extreeme. Because of this lack of energy they are constantly clinically depressed. But a natural way for them to overcome this lack is to siphon off energy from others.
This is where the connection to vampirism comes from, essentially life-force, not blood, is being taken from normal people so that vampires can survive. While nothing points to the neccecity of feeding as its called, the fact seems that if one doesn't feed, they will unconsiously take too much of other people's energy. The site is somewhat of a helpful guide for new "awakened" vampires, vampires who realize their power.
So I stopped and thought, when am I most happy? I think while with a large group of people (ex. my school marching band or a dance) I have alot of excess energy that I can hardly contain. And when I'm on my own, playing video games online for example, I dont have this same sense of energetic restlessness. So being physically around other people makes me... more energetic basically. Am I then a psi-vamp like this site suggests? (Completely forgot the site btw...)
So I was board one day a couple months back and go onto MySpace's forums. Some cool stuff there and about... more than half the people in the sections I post in are intelligent. The Philosophy and Religion forum, usually the general subforum.
Anyway, I was looking around and find someone talking about vampires. I think to myself wtf and open the thread out of curiosity. Turns out someone was looking for other people online that were vampires like her. Not the generalized blood sucking kind by psi-vamps as she and others call them. So I'm reading the thread, its actually kinda old so theres over 50 pages of replys, and see that the thread starter, lets call her Ashley, posted a website describing what a psi-vamp was.
Clicking on the site brought me to this dark, not satanic but certainly not happy-happy-joy-joy and was greeted by a disclaimer saying that this is a real site for a real vampire community yatta yatta. I explored the site a little bit and quickly saw something describing WHAT psi-vamps are. Essentially they are regular people, but not quite. Imagine the human body as a bucket being filled with water and this water is energy or chi as some people call it. Well with these psi-vamps, they are basically leaky buckets. Obviously humans would need this energy right? Well before they "awaken" most psi-vamps are what we would call emo. But more extreeme. Because of this lack of energy they are constantly clinically depressed. But a natural way for them to overcome this lack is to siphon off energy from others.
This is where the connection to vampirism comes from, essentially life-force, not blood, is being taken from normal people so that vampires can survive. While nothing points to the neccecity of feeding as its called, the fact seems that if one doesn't feed, they will unconsiously take too much of other people's energy. The site is somewhat of a helpful guide for new "awakened" vampires, vampires who realize their power.
So I stopped and thought, when am I most happy? I think while with a large group of people (ex. my school marching band or a dance) I have alot of excess energy that I can hardly contain. And when I'm on my own, playing video games online for example, I dont have this same sense of energetic restlessness. So being physically around other people makes me... more energetic basically. Am I then a psi-vamp like this site suggests? (Completely forgot the site btw...)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The music in our lives and in our souls
I was in the car today and put on a CD by Linkn Park. I dont remember the album but there are only 4 songs i consider good on there, the rest were sappy pieces of, well you know what i mean. I started rocking out to them, letting them sink in, hell one of them even had me tearing up a bit because of how true the things it said were. Im man enough to admit that. But the thing is, these songs were really about... hate. Why do i connect with them so much? Why can these kinds of songs lift me out of depression? Is it because i need hate in my life so that i have a purpose?
Im and angry person. There's no way around it. I can be nice and intelligent and kind and all that jazz. Hell i can even play jazz. But when it comes down to it, at my core, everything is influenced, if not motivated, by my deathless anger.
Im and angry person. There's no way around it. I can be nice and intelligent and kind and all that jazz. Hell i can even play jazz. But when it comes down to it, at my core, everything is influenced, if not motivated, by my deathless anger.
The World Hates... Everyone
No matter what we do, something always goes wrong.
Honesty. You get slapped in the face.
Making an attempt. You still disappoint someone that matters to you.
Trying to protect someone. Your either not good enough, or when you are You are the one that needs to be protected from.
Striving for perfection. Your not there yet.
Putting yourself out there. You get run over.
Trying to talk intelligently with someone. They become suspicious of you and start fighting you, ignoring whether your right or wrong.
Having faith in something. There's always doubts.
Maybe I'm just depressed, but I'm sure everyone in the world has experienced atleast one of these at some time or another. Or will anyway...
Honesty. You get slapped in the face.
Making an attempt. You still disappoint someone that matters to you.
Trying to protect someone. Your either not good enough, or when you are You are the one that needs to be protected from.
Striving for perfection. Your not there yet.
Putting yourself out there. You get run over.
Trying to talk intelligently with someone. They become suspicious of you and start fighting you, ignoring whether your right or wrong.
Having faith in something. There's always doubts.
Maybe I'm just depressed, but I'm sure everyone in the world has experienced atleast one of these at some time or another. Or will anyway...
Monday, September 8, 2008
A poem
Mantra of Questions
We question your faith
We question your values
We question everything
Because we dont need the likes of you.
The government
The Man
The establishment with the plan
We despise you
Because you try to enslave your fellow man.
Is it so hard
To ask the questions?
Is this real?
Is this true?
How can I believe you?
Because the ones who spread their faith
Are the ones who will betray ours.
The ones who preach love
Turn a blind eye to the Hours.
The Hours of Need.
The Hours of Pain.
The Hours when a man has nothing to gain.
You must believe
Only in yourself.
If you don't
You'll end up like everyone else.
We question your faith
We question your values
We question everything
Because we dont need the likes of you.
The government
The Man
The establishment with the plan
We despise you
Because you try to enslave your fellow man.
Is it so hard
To ask the questions?
Is this real?
Is this true?
How can I believe you?
Because the ones who spread their faith
Are the ones who will betray ours.
The ones who preach love
Turn a blind eye to the Hours.
The Hours of Need.
The Hours of Pain.
The Hours when a man has nothing to gain.
You must believe
Only in yourself.
If you don't
You'll end up like everyone else.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Not Knowing
Not knowing sucks. Its like a knife slowly cutting away at your heart, peeling off the skin of your face in strips, cutting apart your sense of the world into pieces. And then waving it in front of your face like teasing a dog with a piece of food. It turns your world upside down and then kicks it in the face. Not knowing if you will pass the class, not knowing if the one you love is ok, not knowing if tomorrow will be there... when your on the streets you can feel it. When your alone and afraid you can feel it. When something like a hijacked airplane turns into a missile or a boy given a gun and told to be a soldier. When something outside your control happens, whether its behind the scenes or up and in your face, your stomach drops, you break out in a sweat, you get this tingling in your fingers, you notice everything, you Feel everything. Even if a pin drops, your mind registers it, because when you don't know whats happening or what will happen, you want to know EVERYTHING. It's an adrenaline rush. One of those things you live for. To not know... it opens your mind to all the world, letting you take it all in, process it and think. I heard somewhere that the first step to enlightenment is that you know nothing. Or maybe I just made that up, I don't know.
But eventually just the emptiness takes over, it leaves you drained. Tired. Depressed. Like the world is set against you, when it really couldn't care less. In the grand scheme of things, you are really nothing unless you make yourself something. Take Napoleon for example, little short fat guy who turned out to be a genius. Or Marx, crazy Pole with crazy parents and just sat down and thought over the world. Granted he wasn't the first of all those ideas, but without him promoting it we wouldn't have Communism. A bane and a blessing considering how its turned out and how it can be. These men didn't know what was in store for them, and didn't know either what was in store for the world because of them. But they took their chances with not knowing an ran with them.
Not knowing hurts, it kills, but it is part of our humanity. Because when you don't know, you are pushed to think, to do, to be human.
But eventually just the emptiness takes over, it leaves you drained. Tired. Depressed. Like the world is set against you, when it really couldn't care less. In the grand scheme of things, you are really nothing unless you make yourself something. Take Napoleon for example, little short fat guy who turned out to be a genius. Or Marx, crazy Pole with crazy parents and just sat down and thought over the world. Granted he wasn't the first of all those ideas, but without him promoting it we wouldn't have Communism. A bane and a blessing considering how its turned out and how it can be. These men didn't know what was in store for them, and didn't know either what was in store for the world because of them. But they took their chances with not knowing an ran with them.
Not knowing hurts, it kills, but it is part of our humanity. Because when you don't know, you are pushed to think, to do, to be human.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Weary Blues
Inspired by my brief (and now fixed... I hope) troubles with my love. This is from a summer school assignment this year. We studied the Harlem Renaissance and made poems that had to include the 5th stanza in this.
Weary Tune
I'm just hoofin' it down the street
Hoofin' it down this here street
I need somewhere to rest my weary feet.
Whistling a tune
Whistling a tune
Just a weary blues tune.
Yes look away
Just look away
Avoid my eyes and get on with your day.
'Cause I ain't got nothin'
'Cause I don't know nothin'
All I got is this weary blues tune.
I got the weary blues
And I cant be satisfied
I got the weary blues
And I cant be satisfied
I ain't happy no mo'
And I wish I had died.
I wish I had died
I wish I hadn't lied
I wish instead of losing you
I lost my pride.
Now I have nowhere to go
Now I have nowhere to turn
Just because of the Book I burned.
So I'm hoofin' it down the street
Hoofin' it down the street
Avoidin' the eyes of the people I meet.
Weary Tune
I'm just hoofin' it down the street
Hoofin' it down this here street
I need somewhere to rest my weary feet.
Whistling a tune
Whistling a tune
Just a weary blues tune.
Yes look away
Just look away
Avoid my eyes and get on with your day.
'Cause I ain't got nothin'
'Cause I don't know nothin'
All I got is this weary blues tune.
I got the weary blues
And I cant be satisfied
I got the weary blues
And I cant be satisfied
I ain't happy no mo'
And I wish I had died.
I wish I had died
I wish I hadn't lied
I wish instead of losing you
I lost my pride.
Now I have nowhere to go
Now I have nowhere to turn
Just because of the Book I burned.
So I'm hoofin' it down the street
Hoofin' it down the street
Avoidin' the eyes of the people I meet.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A random rant/poem
Delete
To remove. To banish.
To make non-existent.
This is the cruelty of delete.
To take away possibility.
Would you delete a mistake?
A falsehood? A cult?
Would you delete a child?
A challenge? A belief?
What gives you the right?
You sit at your keyboard of life,
Idle and bored.
Then you see the delete button,
And decide to delete some more.
Its arbitrary. Its fast.
Its meaningless.
Is it?
We’ve tried to delete too many times.
Anti-semetism. Red Fear.
Counter-culture and the year 1820.
Rebellion and Revolution are always the victims of delete.
Troubled kid? Give him meds.
Troubled country? Send in the Marines.
Troubled economy? Free checks for everyone!
Delete destroys,
Even when it fails.
That, is the cruelty of delete.
To remove. To banish.
To make non-existent.
This is the cruelty of delete.
To take away possibility.
Would you delete a mistake?
A falsehood? A cult?
Would you delete a child?
A challenge? A belief?
What gives you the right?
You sit at your keyboard of life,
Idle and bored.
Then you see the delete button,
And decide to delete some more.
Its arbitrary. Its fast.
Its meaningless.
Is it?
We’ve tried to delete too many times.
Anti-semetism. Red Fear.
Counter-culture and the year 1820.
Rebellion and Revolution are always the victims of delete.
Troubled kid? Give him meds.
Troubled country? Send in the Marines.
Troubled economy? Free checks for everyone!
Delete destroys,
Even when it fails.
That, is the cruelty of delete.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
If you thought reality tv was stupid...
The Japanese are worse (these guys might actually be Chinese but i doubt it). This is basically their main source of entertainment. While its funny as hell, theres nothing to think about with it. Is their society just work, distract yourself, sleep? They have better education systems according to the tests. They put out alot more in tech than most of the world. So do they just blow their brains out at work and then come home for some mindless entertainment? What kind of life is that?
But hey, American entertainment isn't always mind provoking. True, but look at what IS mind provoking in U.S. entertainment. Almost all old shows. Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, etc. While newer shows are mostly just mind numbing bores. Take MTV for example. It used to be MUSIC television. Now they might as well call it SBTV, Spoilt Brat Television, home of the OC, where the only thing you have to worry about is if you look hot or not. But hey, atleast the Japs have one thing right, guys trying to get through holes is funny.
See it here:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=84_QL1kEmH4&feature=related
Edit: Yet again, a youtube video I like has been deleted only a few days after I found it... but if youve seen a Japanese gameshow, you know what im talking about. They are kind of like a gay (I mean that with every sense of the word) anime version of American Gladiator... which I hate. I was expecting REAL gladiator battles but yet again, the media disappoints me.
But hey, American entertainment isn't always mind provoking. True, but look at what IS mind provoking in U.S. entertainment. Almost all old shows. Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, etc. While newer shows are mostly just mind numbing bores. Take MTV for example. It used to be MUSIC television. Now they might as well call it SBTV, Spoilt Brat Television, home of the OC, where the only thing you have to worry about is if you look hot or not. But hey, atleast the Japs have one thing right, guys trying to get through holes is funny.
See it here:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=84_QL1kEmH4&feature=related
Edit: Yet again, a youtube video I like has been deleted only a few days after I found it... but if youve seen a Japanese gameshow, you know what im talking about. They are kind of like a gay (I mean that with every sense of the word) anime version of American Gladiator... which I hate. I was expecting REAL gladiator battles but yet again, the media disappoints me.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Global Warming
Global Warming seems to be one of the hottest topics today, next to the potential election of the first black president of the United States. I'd like to address this topic as it effects everyone on this planet and not just man, though through our self-centered view we like to think we are the only ones being effected. All species will be effected, geographically the world will change substantially, the human universe will be thrown into turmoil. I will try to address these and others when I am in the mood.
Alone on the Waves
The world is a strange place
Filled with wonders and sins
Haunted by dreams and plagued with curses.
It's a stormy sea where no one wins
Where poets write sad verses
Watching the fools trying to swim.
I am a spectator
Of a world losing control
Lost in its storm-like fervor
Gazing helplessly at those losing their souls.
If the could only see my raft
A garden of Eden with fruit of poem
I call but think they are daft
For I see sharks lurking below 'em.
They sink into a watery grave,
And I am alone on the waves.
Note: This was submitted and published in a magazine awhile ago so technically, they have full legal rights over this piece of... whatever you want to call it. But I really don't care. I am the author so I suppose I could be an ass and demand that its my right to publish this wherever, but things made by artists belong to humanity, not a single person or group.
Filled with wonders and sins
Haunted by dreams and plagued with curses.
It's a stormy sea where no one wins
Where poets write sad verses
Watching the fools trying to swim.
I am a spectator
Of a world losing control
Lost in its storm-like fervor
Gazing helplessly at those losing their souls.
If the could only see my raft
A garden of Eden with fruit of poem
I call but think they are daft
For I see sharks lurking below 'em.
They sink into a watery grave,
And I am alone on the waves.
Note: This was submitted and published in a magazine awhile ago so technically, they have full legal rights over this piece of... whatever you want to call it. But I really don't care. I am the author so I suppose I could be an ass and demand that its my right to publish this wherever, but things made by artists belong to humanity, not a single person or group.
Introduction
This is my blog, for those who are interested, bored or lost, feel free to stay awhile. For Your Thoughts, its short for "A penny for your thoughts." However, most people's opinions are more valuable than that so you may put any value on "your thoughts" as you like. I am interested to hear them.
It may take some time, but I will eventually get some things of interest on here. Poems, short stories, my rants and general opinions, good stuff. However, please don't leave a comment if your intending to ostracize me. This is a mature blog for mature readers.
It may take some time, but I will eventually get some things of interest on here. Poems, short stories, my rants and general opinions, good stuff. However, please don't leave a comment if your intending to ostracize me. This is a mature blog for mature readers.
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