Not Knowing

Not knowing sucks. Its like a knife slowly cutting away at your heart, peeling off the skin of your face in strips, cutting apart your sense of the world into pieces. And then waving it in front of your face like teasing a dog with a piece of food. It turns your world upside down and then kicks it in the face. Not knowing if you will pass the class, not knowing if the one you love is ok, not knowing if tomorrow will be there... when your on the streets you can feel it. When your alone and afraid you can feel it. When something like a hijacked airplane turns into a missile or a boy given a gun and told to be a soldier. When something outside your control happens, whether its behind the scenes or up and in your face, your stomach drops, you break out in a sweat, you get this tingling in your fingers, you notice everything, you Feel everything. Even if a pin drops, your mind registers it, because when you don't know whats happening or what will happen, you want to know EVERYTHING. It's an adrenaline rush. One of those things you live for. To not know... it opens your mind to all the world, letting you take it all in, process it and think. I heard somewhere that the first step to enlightenment is that you know nothing. Or maybe I just made that up, I don't know.

But eventually just the emptiness takes over, it leaves you drained. Tired. Depressed. Like the world is set against you, when it really couldn't care less. In the grand scheme of things, you are really nothing unless you make yourself something. Take Napoleon for example, little short fat guy who turned out to be a genius. Or Marx, crazy Pole with crazy parents and just sat down and thought over the world. Granted he wasn't the first of all those ideas, but without him promoting it we wouldn't have Communism. A bane and a blessing considering how its turned out and how it can be. These men didn't know what was in store for them, and didn't know either what was in store for the world because of them. But they took their chances with not knowing an ran with them.

Not knowing hurts, it kills, but it is part of our humanity. Because when you don't know, you are pushed to think, to do, to be human.