Hypertensioninfatuation Disorder

When you meet a different person you notice a few things. How they look, how they carry themselves, how they look at other people, how they talk, all these give you an impression of who they are before you even talk to them. Sometimes its an ugly impression, sometimes its a beautiful(?) one. And then sometimes your not even right with your impression.

Well, it was about a month ago when I met, rather saw, a girl that really caught my eye. Beautiful yes, but also happy, friendly, intelligent and indescribably compassionate and strong. After my last attempt at love it seemed to me that I ought to just give up on it all together, but on some level, part of me said "I want this, I need this."

Stray glances in class, undue attention during instances when we work in the same group, even when I was trying to not think about her, I found myself disappointed when we wouldn't end up in the same workgroup. I told myself no, this is wrong, shes a living person, not an object to be had. Rather someone to talk to and build a friendship with.

I happened on her again after committing to myself to volunteer at my school theater for the remaining showings as an usher. Live part of my commitment to help people I suppose. I don't remember if I knew before I got there that she was part of the theater, I don't think I ever asked, but regardless, the reason I got out of bed and out of the house the next two days was more because of her, having the chance to see her and talk to her again. She really is a cool person, the kind of person that has so much confidence about them, even though she would be rushing around the lobby half the time, and she has those kind of eyes that say you can trust me, you can tell me anything.

It was... the first day of going to usher for the play that I admitted to my mother that I had met a girl at the theater. Big fucking mistake. I was constantly pestered with "You should ask her out" and "have you asked her out yet?" and "just go for it." I love my mother, but she is so goddamn annoying! It was because of her that I started feeling so stressed about that girl, that I then started comparing her to me, planning on four-year university vs. slacking off to the local junior college, president of two clubs and manager of a theater production vs. inattentive membership of a single club and a little-more-than disbanded drumline, surrounded by friends who all seem into her vs. one guy without a whole lot of anybody.

I eventually got to the breaking point the day after getting her number for, "Getting together some friends and hanging out." To be honest I was going to say get together the two of us and hang out, but my courage failed me when I looked into her face, so open and energetic and almost holding onto her breath, I couldn't do it. But that day I tried talking to her again and again with text messages. I knew that I should stop badgering her, she had mentioned when we were talking at the theater that she was going to hang out with some friends from up north that day so she would probably be busy, but I couldn't, once I read her text replying to me giving her my number so politely and... so... I don't know how to describe it, but just imagining her saying those words I felt an irresistible attraction that I just couldn't ignore.

She eventually replied after what seemed like forever when I asked a question that had been baring on me for the entire day, "Were you only talking to me because I helped out so much at the theater?" she replied saying that I'm a really nice guy (joy!) but I come off rather strong (confused?) and when someone doesn't know you well it transfers wrong (???). I thought it was pretty streight forward but I didn't get her meaning that she was basically asking for some breathing room.

I eventually said that I "feel like I'm grasping at straws here" in my last year of high school. I mean, what have I done with my life up until now? People always say this is the easiest time of your life and to live it up, but I don't think I really did that. She said I could talk to her about it and that basically started an outpouring of things that I realize now would've been better left unsaid, though I think the whole part about helping people and my idea with a service group to help out illiegals living in the canyons 'n' such was good, I just kept going on and on and ended up ignoring some of her texts until I had finished my train of thought, which I realize was stupid to do now.

But through it all she was trying to be supportive and understanding, of me, a guy she barely knows but is willing to help so much by staying up until it was tomorrow. Really a swell person no matter how corny that sounds. And... I told her so the next (err... that) day.

Despite feeling so at ease after talking to her and upon waking up, I still had a nervous itch running up and down my spine to do something. Something bold and drastic. I couldn't remember what it was, untill my mother pestered me yet again while I was about to eat breakfast. At this point I had had enough and was about to swear at her at the top of my lungs but it was a good thing my dad was there... I think he understands how I was feeling, I could tell by the looks he gave me during my mother's little... whatevers. So the idea was planted.

I tried to ignore it. Tried reading, playing rockband, playing real drums, nothing could get my mind off her, the source of my... infatuation? Desire? I'm not sure what to call it but those words are way too bestial and savage compared to how I was really thinking and feeling for her. But stupid me did it anyway, I confessed.

Apparently I had missed a couple details about her though.

She acted extremely friendly with all her guy friends, why was that? Because they were really close? Because she's just that kind of outgoing person? Partially methinks, but also she isn't interested in having a boyfriend and thus doesn't see boys as potential partners it seems (I would hope the same applies to girls).

But I got turned down. I missed the details, jumped to conclusions and let myself get worked up over someone that would've made as good a friend as a partner it seems. I asked if we can be friends at least, though for some reason I included a statement that if this was somehow awkward for her or anything that she didn't even have to talk to me. Pretty much all or nothing but at the time I felt like I was drowning.

I come back to this story almost a year after writing it that stressful night.

She courteously replied, basically a straight up no and that she's not looking for a boyfriend right now, and hasn't spoken to me personally nor held eye contact with me since. We shared some classes, talk to each other when necessary and went our separate ways. Part of me thinks, to hell with it! Another part still holds onto that old, unidentifiable desire. Hell, she went to the same university I've been planning on transferring to for two years, there's still a possibility I suppose. Until then, she will be a simple memory, a reminder to stop, think, step out of myself and then decide what to do in order to fight this occasional insanity one might call being "lovestruck". It isn't for fairytales anymore.

P.S. It was really thanks to Justin that I was able to get my thoughts together on this. If your reading this man, thank you.