Hypertensioninfatuation Disorder

When you meet a different person you notice a few things. How they look, how they carry themselves, how they look at other people, how they talk, all these give you an impression of who they are before you even talk to them. Sometimes its an ugly impression, sometimes its a beautiful(?) one. And then sometimes your not even right with your impression.

Well, it was about a month ago when I met, rather saw, a girl that really caught my eye. Beautiful yes, but also happy, friendly, intelligent and indescribably compassionate and strong. After my last attempt at love it seemed to me that I ought to just give up on it all together, but on some level, part of me said "I want this, I need this."

Stray glances in class, undue attention during instances when we work in the same group, even when I was trying to not think about her, I found myself disappointed when we wouldn't end up in the same workgroup. I told myself no, this is wrong, shes a living person, not an object to be had. Rather someone to talk to and build a friendship with.

I happened on her again after committing to myself to volunteer at my school theater for the remaining showings as an usher. Live part of my commitment to help people I suppose. I don't remember if I knew before I got there that she was part of the theater, I don't think I ever asked, but regardless, the reason I got out of bed and out of the house the next two days was more because of her, having the chance to see her and talk to her again. She really is a cool person, the kind of person that has so much confidence about them, even though she would be rushing around the lobby half the time, and she has those kind of eyes that say you can trust me, you can tell me anything.

It was... the first day of going to usher for the play that I admitted to my mother that I had met a girl at the theater. Big fucking mistake. I was constantly pestered with "You should ask her out" and "have you asked her out yet?" and "just go for it." I love my mother, but she is so goddamn annoying! It was because of her that I started feeling so stressed about that girl, that I then started comparing her to me, planning on four-year university vs. slacking off to the local junior college, president of two clubs and manager of a theater production vs. inattentive membership of a single club and a little-more-than disbanded drumline, surrounded by friends who all seem into her vs. one guy without a whole lot of anybody.

I eventually got to the breaking point the day after getting her number for, "Getting together some friends and hanging out." To be honest I was going to say get together the two of us and hang out, but my courage failed me when I looked into her face, so open and energetic and almost holding onto her breath, I couldn't do it. But that day I tried talking to her again and again with text messages. I knew that I should stop badgering her, she had mentioned when we were talking at the theater that she was going to hang out with some friends from up north that day so she would probably be busy, but I couldn't, once I read her text replying to me giving her my number so politely and... so... I don't know how to describe it, but just imagining her saying those words I felt an irresistible attraction that I just couldn't ignore.

She eventually replied after what seemed like forever when I asked a question that had been baring on me for the entire day, "Were you only talking to me because I helped out so much at the theater?" she replied saying that I'm a really nice guy (joy!) but I come off rather strong (confused?) and when someone doesn't know you well it transfers wrong (???). I thought it was pretty streight forward but I didn't get her meaning that she was basically asking for some breathing room.

I eventually said that I "feel like I'm grasping at straws here" in my last year of high school. I mean, what have I done with my life up until now? People always say this is the easiest time of your life and to live it up, but I don't think I really did that. She said I could talk to her about it and that basically started an outpouring of things that I realize now would've been better left unsaid, though I think the whole part about helping people and my idea with a service group to help out illiegals living in the canyons 'n' such was good, I just kept going on and on and ended up ignoring some of her texts until I had finished my train of thought, which I realize was stupid to do now.

But through it all she was trying to be supportive and understanding, of me, a guy she barely knows but is willing to help so much by staying up until it was tomorrow. Really a swell person no matter how corny that sounds. And... I told her so the next (err... that) day.

Despite feeling so at ease after talking to her and upon waking up, I still had a nervous itch running up and down my spine to do something. Something bold and drastic. I couldn't remember what it was, untill my mother pestered me yet again while I was about to eat breakfast. At this point I had had enough and was about to swear at her at the top of my lungs but it was a good thing my dad was there... I think he understands how I was feeling, I could tell by the looks he gave me during my mother's little... whatevers. So the idea was planted.

I tried to ignore it. Tried reading, playing rockband, playing real drums, nothing could get my mind off her, the source of my... infatuation? Desire? I'm not sure what to call it but those words are way too bestial and savage compared to how I was really thinking and feeling for her. But stupid me did it anyway, I confessed.

Apparently I had missed a couple details about her though.

She acted extremely friendly with all her guy friends, why was that? Because they were really close? Because she's just that kind of outgoing person? Partially methinks, but also she isn't interested in having a boyfriend and thus doesn't see boys as potential partners it seems (I would hope the same applies to girls).

But I got turned down. I missed the details, jumped to conclusions and let myself get worked up over someone that would've made as good a friend as a partner it seems. I asked if we can be friends at least, though for some reason I included a statement that if this was somehow awkward for her or anything that she didn't even have to talk to me. Pretty much all or nothing but at the time I felt like I was drowning.

I come back to this story almost a year after writing it that stressful night.

She courteously replied, basically a straight up no and that she's not looking for a boyfriend right now, and hasn't spoken to me personally nor held eye contact with me since. We shared some classes, talk to each other when necessary and went our separate ways. Part of me thinks, to hell with it! Another part still holds onto that old, unidentifiable desire. Hell, she went to the same university I've been planning on transferring to for two years, there's still a possibility I suppose. Until then, she will be a simple memory, a reminder to stop, think, step out of myself and then decide what to do in order to fight this occasional insanity one might call being "lovestruck". It isn't for fairytales anymore.

P.S. It was really thanks to Justin that I was able to get my thoughts together on this. If your reading this man, thank you.

That sinking feeling

You know how when you jump into a pool and just let yourself sink to the bottom? How you feel the pressure of all the water on top of you pressing down? And how everything gets darker and colder? What if there was no bottom?

What if you kept sinking and sinking, the weight of the world pressing down on you, the rippling shine of the sun getting smaller and weaker?

What if you decided there's no hope for me, that I'm dead weight without a purpose except to keep sinking pulling down everything with me.

My hopes.

My dreams.

My loves.

My life.

All of it sinking...



Sinking down...




And down...




And down...






Until your gone?

I Am my Own worst Enemy

What happens when you don't let what other people think of you matter? What happens when you decide that you are your own man despite what the world has in store? What happens?

Then you become fully responsible for what you do. Everything you do, think, feel and don't do are your fault. You are the one to blame no matter how you look at it. You are your own person. You steal, it's your fault. You hurt someone, it's your fault. You forget something and then get boned for it, it's your fault. You fall in love with someone, its your fault, your responsibility, your obligation. But what you do afterwards is also your fault to.

You return whats stolen, your fault. You help that person, your fault. You resolve to be responsible, your fault. You decide to love because you WANT to, not because you have to, your fault.

Fault is not something negative, its merely synonymous with responsibility and what you could call, growing up.





A rant by me.

Am I a Vampire?

Disclaimer: Alot of people will think this is bull but I'm just sharing an experience I had. This is mostly my interpretation of the information given to me so forgive me for inconsistancies.

So I was board one day a couple months back and go onto MySpace's forums. Some cool stuff there and about... more than half the people in the sections I post in are intelligent. The Philosophy and Religion forum, usually the general subforum.

Anyway, I was looking around and find someone talking about vampires. I think to myself wtf and open the thread out of curiosity. Turns out someone was looking for other people online that were vampires like her. Not the generalized blood sucking kind by psi-vamps as she and others call them. So I'm reading the thread, its actually kinda old so theres over 50 pages of replys, and see that the thread starter, lets call her Ashley, posted a website describing what a psi-vamp was.

Clicking on the site brought me to this dark, not satanic but certainly not happy-happy-joy-joy and was greeted by a disclaimer saying that this is a real site for a real vampire community yatta yatta. I explored the site a little bit and quickly saw something describing WHAT psi-vamps are. Essentially they are regular people, but not quite. Imagine the human body as a bucket being filled with water and this water is energy or chi as some people call it. Well with these psi-vamps, they are basically leaky buckets. Obviously humans would need this energy right? Well before they "awaken" most psi-vamps are what we would call emo. But more extreeme. Because of this lack of energy they are constantly clinically depressed. But a natural way for them to overcome this lack is to siphon off energy from others.

This is where the connection to vampirism comes from, essentially life-force, not blood, is being taken from normal people so that vampires can survive. While nothing points to the neccecity of feeding as its called, the fact seems that if one doesn't feed, they will unconsiously take too much of other people's energy. The site is somewhat of a helpful guide for new "awakened" vampires, vampires who realize their power.

So I stopped and thought, when am I most happy? I think while with a large group of people (ex. my school marching band or a dance) I have alot of excess energy that I can hardly contain. And when I'm on my own, playing video games online for example, I dont have this same sense of energetic restlessness. So being physically around other people makes me... more energetic basically. Am I then a psi-vamp like this site suggests? (Completely forgot the site btw...)

The music in our lives and in our souls

I was in the car today and put on a CD by Linkn Park. I dont remember the album but there are only 4 songs i consider good on there, the rest were sappy pieces of, well you know what i mean. I started rocking out to them, letting them sink in, hell one of them even had me tearing up a bit because of how true the things it said were. Im man enough to admit that. But the thing is, these songs were really about... hate. Why do i connect with them so much? Why can these kinds of songs lift me out of depression? Is it because i need hate in my life so that i have a purpose?

Im and angry person. There's no way around it. I can be nice and intelligent and kind and all that jazz. Hell i can even play jazz. But when it comes down to it, at my core, everything is influenced, if not motivated, by my deathless anger.

The World Hates... Everyone

No matter what we do, something always goes wrong.

Honesty. You get slapped in the face.
Making an attempt. You still disappoint someone that matters to you.
Trying to protect someone. Your either not good enough, or when you are You are the one that needs to be protected from.
Striving for perfection. Your not there yet.
Putting yourself out there. You get run over.
Trying to talk intelligently with someone. They become suspicious of you and start fighting you, ignoring whether your right or wrong.
Having faith in something. There's always doubts.

Maybe I'm just depressed, but I'm sure everyone in the world has experienced atleast one of these at some time or another. Or will anyway...

A poem

Mantra of Questions



We question your faith
We question your values
We question everything
Because we dont need the likes of you.

The government
The Man
The establishment with the plan
We despise you
Because you try to enslave your fellow man.

Is it so hard
To ask the questions?

Is this real?

Is this true?

How can I believe you?

Because the ones who spread their faith
Are the ones who will betray ours.
The ones who preach love
Turn a blind eye to the Hours.

The Hours of Need.

The Hours of Pain.

The Hours when a man has nothing to gain.

You must believe
Only in yourself.
If you don't
You'll end up like everyone else.